im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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