I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
