Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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