I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think my mom watched the whole time
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
