you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My balls are so social today.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Randomize
