i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
