Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
