I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
