I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
it glows. i had to have it.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
