Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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