I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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