I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
home. puking in laundry basket.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
