I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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