SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
