I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He shit in the fireplace
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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