we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
