All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
