he puts the penis in happiness.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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