my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just found a bag of teeth...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
