So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
