2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
