so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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