The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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