So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Houston, we have a blender
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
They have beer where we have blood.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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