Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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