I'm lost and stupid without you.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
