I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
worst night to have a conscience
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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