connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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