Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
