Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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