Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
this just has baby written all over it
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Randomize
