I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize