she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
