I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
