Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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