never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
