Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
