Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
