All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
