when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
