There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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