dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
