did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
