It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just want to make out with him forever
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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