Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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