Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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