Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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