well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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