You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
