you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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