Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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