how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
