you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize