I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
