Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
