I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
