five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
