my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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