I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
