Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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