I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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