so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
